In which I give in to superstition

I work as a nurse intern in the emergency department at . Like many Florida towns, mine is a seasonal location. So-called “snowbirds”, retired folk who flee the colds of New England and the Midwest in the winter, spend those winters in my hometown. Due to their advanced age, snowbirds are the bread and butter of our ER. But when summer rolls around, they pack up and head home to various parts of the country. As this happens, we see fewer and fewer patients. This exodus was the catalyst for an offhand comment that sparked a furor of controversy in my workplace. The comment was this (or something akin to it): “Boy, things really have slowed down since May.”

For those unfamiliar with medical culture, words like “slow”, “quiet”, or “bored’ are strictly verboten, for fear they will spark a terrible catastrophe. Now I, in my naivety, believed that nursing school is so rigorous and concentrated on critical thinking that no RN could truly believe that words directly cause physical things to happen. I was wrong. An RN gave me a killer look and told me that I was never to say that word at work again. Thinking that she was half-joking, or that her belief was more about culture and tradition rather than a true superstition, I pushed her further. I told her I believed in “evidence-based practice”, not voodoo medical mythology. Now, this nurse was a professional. She didn’t blow up at me or anything. She just gave me the silent treatment.

I decided it was best to leave it alone and went about with my work. Half an hour later, an ambulance crashed into a tree at the entrance to the hospital. It was a relatively severe wreck with three injured patients. HIPAA, of course, prevents me from giving any more details about the crash victims, so let’s just say it was pretty bad. It certainly constituted what many nurses would consider reason never to use the word, “slow.” You might think my confidence would be shaken by such an event. After all, I said the word and the consequences were apparent, were they not?

And I might have become a believer on the spot, had I not an elementary understanding of critical thinking. Of course, the most glaring fallacy in this superstition is post hoc, ergo propter hoc. Simply put, CORRELATION is NOT CAUSATION. The second fallacy committed here is confirmation bias. People don’t notice all the times the ER goes apeshit and no one said any of the dreaded words. Furthermore, they forget all the times someone said a taboo word and nothing happened. Finally, there is not one shred of credible evidence that anyone has ever been able to use thoughts or words to directly effect physical outcomes. If you have such evidence, I know a way you can make a quick $1,000,000. Our ER is a receiving unit for psychiatric patients deemed a danger to themselves or others. We sometimes fill a whole section of the unit with these “Baker Acts.” One common thread amongst these patients is the tendency toward magical thinking. My question is: If the nurses have the same psychoses as their patients, who’s taking care of the nurses?

Despite the fact that all reason and evidence were on my side, however, I became the bad guy that day. I caused this horrible thing to happen. My arrogance was the reason for other people’s suffering. And that’s when I had my change of heart. No, I didn’t suddenly become a magical thinker. I didn’t even begin respecting my coworker’s preposterous opinions. What I did was allow them to censor my words. I gave in to the pressure and rescinded the rights granted to me by the First Amendment of the Constitution. I pledged that I would never utter the forbidden words at work again. I did this so I would not be hated by my coworkers. On one hand, I am ashamed of myself. On the other, can you blame me?